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Saturday, November 19

久しぶり。

今日日本へ行きました!
2年後またこの国に戻りました。

Hanggang jan na lang siguro ang makakaya kong Nihongo for now. Naubos na lahat ng pandemic, etc. Just glad that I was able to fly back here, meet new people, and even be amazed by how madiskarte Filipinos are. 

Hoping to be able to create a travel vid for this whole experience! Here with my mom and her friend, please pray for a safe and meaningful trip! 

Friday, July 22

we lost Johnny today

 Sunday morning, I woke up with my mom and aunt exclaiming that my puppy is sick. Immediately I thought about the worst case scenario of losing him, but I kept composure and thought it could be that he will live. During that day I was glad I didn't have anything to do, and made sure I will bring him to the doctor or find him some medicine. Thankful for my friend, Dr. Lei, who replied to my queries and worries. We got him some medicine for diarrhea, and also did some deworming. The next day, we sought to send him to a pet clinic as he was already vomiting despite us not giving him anything to eat. 

I was glad we could finally provide him some medicines, and before I left for my trip overseas, I thought he surely will be okay in no time. I brushed off worrying worst case scenarios about me not seeing him again if that's the case. 

We continued with the IV, then my brother took care of him at home. It was so weird and also sad for us seeing him plastered like that, so weak and frail, for such a pup that's brimming with energy and playfulness. 

I left the country with hopes that I get to see him again when I be back, but I guess it'll have to be in another life. 

I took my Calculus class today after a week break. I was stressing out and frustrated on the results of my last long exam that when our professor said he'd be discussing the answers, I was preparing my heart for the pain it will cause. But the news that I was to receive minutes after broke me. 

My mom said that Johnny wasn't breathing anymore. And I cried. 

While my teacher and classmates were droning on the integrals and derivatives in Statistics, I was bawling my eyes out and trying to hold my composure. My family back in the Philippines was talking about how they found him, and plans on preparing to bury him.

My brother offered to call me, but I said I was in my class and that we could talk tomorrow because I'd need to cry first. He agreed and said that he'd need to do it too.

Losing Johnny was so painful for me. I feel so bad and also missing out that I had to be so far from them while all of these things are happening. Early today I was having heated exchanges with my mom of bringing him to the vet, even if I feel like we are already slowly losing him. I held on to hope that I might be able to see him again. Writing these with my eyes blurred with tears, it hurts me to realize that I will be going back home and not see this playful and thoughtful pup ever again. I will not be able to scold him not to bite me, or even talk to when my work seems so mundane and routinary. 

Johnny was a sweet addition to my life when we saw cute and fluffy he was. Deciding to bring him to the city was also something unplanned, yet we enjoyed and loved. We named him after the celebrity that won a defamation case just because we thought it would be funny, and also a commemoration. We brought him to the vet last June too when one morning we found him vomiting. The doctor said he just had a case of amoeba and that we'd need to change his diet. He was supposed to get vaccines since he's almost gonna be old enough for it. Apparently, the succeeding cancellations that we did proved fatal for him, in grounds we could not reverse. 

Even if how many tearful "I'm sorry"'s we will blurt out, it cannot bring back Johnny. Time has passed, and we could not reverse what has been done. I have thanked the Lord for this delightful puppy, and though it's going to be painful hereon, I will always be grateful for the quick season of bursts of affection from him.

Run free, Johnny. 


 


Tuesday, June 21

the day i got my third life

When you get face to face with death, you'll realize life is actually simple. Not that I always face that circumstance, but yesterday was supposed to be my last. It made me think about the possible reasons why. These are the ones I came up with, and I think what happened is actually an answered prayer.

A fun and chill trip to the local waterfall became an extreme outdoor trip for me when I tried to slide down a slippery rock and got myself in a deeper part of the water, gasping for breath. Good thing someone was able to pull me out of the depths and I was able to regain balance. The back of my head throbbed like crazy. The stress and the panic caused me to even feel the ache today. 

As I was processing what happened on the possibility of dying, I realized that God had answered several of my prayers that day. 

First, I realized I was grateful to have people to trust. Probably some months ago, I would have beaten myself with guilt over being a burden to others around me. I might have felt bad to have lived, after causing people around me some concern over my lack of self-responsibility. I have my share of triggers and back stories that's why it could let me think about that, and the part where I felt safe to have it handled that way was an answered prayer of how God had brought me to grow in trusting His protection and security for me. 

Second, a reminder on the brevity of life and living for what matters. Should I have died that day, I won't be able to experience the benefits of the money I have saved up for the future. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the sleepless nights that let me finish some tasks when my lifeless body need not say anything more. My family won't be able to receive the realization of plans that I have been working towards because of an unfinished plan. My life should have stopped, and if I lived for something other than the eternal, then it ended just like that. 

Third, the realization that I have learned to rest on God's sovereignty and protection. When I got out of the water, it took me a lot of time to process that it could be my last day. But since I was surrounded with people who could draw me out of the water immediately, the possibility of me drowning was low. But still, it doesn't change the fact that I could have died of a heart attack or shock, or something. When I left the water, I just felt at peace. I didn't think it would be a traumatic experience, but rather it helped me strengthen my resolve to learn how to swim. 

I felt like I grown closer to the people whom I went with, but my hope is that I would be able to discern what louder message God wanted me to hear or realize because of that situation. For sure, I wouldn't want it to happen again, so I pray that I would be able to find what God wants to tell me as soon as possible. 

I know that the moment sure was already past me, but I pray that my days ahead would be marked by intentionality that this situation would want to sink in me, pun intended.    

Monday, April 4

Bible Study Fellowship

I joined BSF during one of the most uncertain but comfortable times in my life. I resigned from my work in 2019 so going back to my hometown and working at home remotely gave me that convenience and comfort of being with my family. 

It was tempting to just stay as is, and I think it's not wrong naman in itself. 

But as how I am stuck, I was also stuck in how I am getting to know God more, in terms of intimacy with Him and following Him beyond comfort.

The book of Matthew, was one journey that led me to grow more in that aspect. 

I think the heaviest part and the most challenging one for me was the set lessons on the cost of following Christ, particularly the Sermon on the Mount and the series on the Pharisees. 

Through these lessons, I was always mindblown by how Jesus always brings back everything to His commitment to journey our hearts. It was particularly challenging for me because I am always confronted with the question-- how's your heart for Christ? I am always confronted by that question, no matter how I thought it was knowledge about Christ that i needed. 

In hindsight, during that season where the world is hurting and everything seems to be more difficult, I tried to build walls to desensitize myself from the pains brought by worries about increasing cases, friends getting hurt, heartbreaks brought by unrequited attention, but that question always breaks the bricks that I slowly was building towards loving others, even if it means accepting what I cannot change and tearfully bringing forward these pains to God. 

As sobering as it may be, I am also grateful that this makes me see grace to be more beautiful than ever. 

I am grateful first and foremost for God's grace to reveal Himself to us, and for his commitment to us and our character as we desire to know more of Christ and the beauty in Him.

The more you see your sinfulness when compared to Christ's high standards, the more I understand how deep His grace for us is.

I am thankful to my groupmates who did not withhold their learnings, experiences, even their hearts. 

Jesus called us to Himself, and that call is a moment by moment decision to surrender, to obey, and to love the Lord and others. Honestly, I still find it difficult to be consistent in finishing questions weekly, and sometimes I could only see myself failing. But I pray that behind that reality of confronting my humanity, is my discovery Jesus's divinity.  

I still feel uncertain and comfortable, but as real as the grace that God shows in the learnings in the book of Matthew, is His promise of certainty and call to love beyond discomfort. 

May we continue to grow more towards Christlikeness.

Kay Lord ang papuri!